From time to time, I've used this space to express my frustration with some of the more colorful characters that I've had the privilege of serving or watching other people serving. But, thanks to the intoduction of meditation and tofu into my life, I've turned over a new napkin.
In the interest of public service, I thought I'd begin a new section called "Eating Out For Dummies." I don't really know who it speaks to, but hopefully it does some good in the world.
Chapter 6: Restaurant Etiquette According To Kaballah
Before you say or do any of the following things, just remember. Don't. Seriously, don't do it.
1) Swearing. This includes any word that would cause any of your elementary school teachers a moment of self-reflection on what the hell was wrong with your parents.
For those reading this in Russian translation, "fucking" is never the appropriate way to initiate a dialogue with a waiter. In everyday conversational English, the use of the word "fucking" indicates one of two impending actions: a serious beatdown or insertive sexual intercourse. Your waiter will, in all likelihood, not be particularly receptive to either. Especially if you're, say, over 60. That is, until your waiter has verified the amount of your gratuity. Only after you've given a generous gratuity and gotten your waiter pretty well lubed up can you, the diner, successfully accomplish either type of "fucking." So remember, before you throw out a big bag of "fucking," buy your waiter a drink. See where it goes from there.
For those reading this in the original English, there are more productive ways of phrasing: "This tastes like ass." Remember back to the ass you tasted that was similar in nature to what you just put in your mouth. Assuming that the memory of the ass in question was not particularly pleasant, describe in greater detail to your waiter your problem with your food's texture, odor or other sensations that caused your unease. As you do this, point to the parts of your meal which resembled the offensive ass, but don't talk about the actual ass.
If you happen to be dining with the person to whom the original offensive ass belongs, you may find it productive to tastefully intiate a dialogue with that person about the ways in which both your food and their ass may be improved. See folks, everyone wins!
If you intend for the phrase, "This tastes like ass," as a compliment to the food, we have ourselves an altogether different ballgame. I suggest that you try to communicate to your waiter your feelings and emotions instead of announcing that you are thorougly enamoured by both a particularly memorable ass and the food you have just consumed. In certain circumstances, a diner and their waiter will have developed a close relationship. But, rest assured, this does not mean that any discussions of an anus or several anuses is appropriate.
2) Food Depositories. There is a difference between dining at a restaurant and receiving food from any number of benevolent non-profit organizations. This difference can be observed by various and plain-sight signage.
(a) The sign at the front door. If a certain establishment's sign does NOT involve the words "Food Depository" or "Food Bank," you should expect to pay money in your immediate possession in exchange for food.
(b) The menu. If you announce that you would like to consume food that you did not enter the particular building with, and you are given a list of items from which you may choose with numbers indicating a price of some kind, you should expect to pay that amount. This must be done in the currency issued by the particular country wherein the particular restaurant is located.
There are items in these things called restaurants that will be provided to you with no expectation of payment. However, these items should not make up the entirety or majority of your meal. Some establishments provide you with various condiments that you may enjoy with your meal. Grated cheese, for example. But, you should not open the bottle of said grated cheese and dump the entirety of its contents onto your meal. On one hand, you have become quite a chef in your own right. You have turned 'Spaghetti with Marinara' into 'Grated Cheese with Spaghetti." However, this is considered uncouth. And not good.
These complimentary items are provided to you because you have agreed to pay for other items. Some establishments offer these items as a meal unto themselves. However, just because a certain Italian restaurant offers "Breadsticks and Soup," it does not mean that EVERY restaurant offers a similar item. Especially when they don't serve soup.
I would like to take this time to warn against some common faux pas. The following questions and statements should be avoided during the entirety of your dining experience.
"What can I get for free?"
"Is there anything for free?"
"That isn't what I thought it would be. It should be free."
"What can I get for $(insert any amount)?"
"The menu says this is $12.99. If I don't want the whole thing, can you charge me for less?"
"It's my birthday. What do I get for free?"
"I don't remember paying for this the last time I was here."
"Your bread is free, right?"
"This coupon is for a free appetizer. I thought the appetizer came with an entree."
"I couldn't find parking. This should be free."
Restaurants will, from time to time, offer a diner an item for no cost. Do not take offense that someone with, say, the same hair color or name as you received something at no cost and you did not. Do not approach someone to state that you feel left out and demand something for free.
There are several restaurants that are tickled rosy pink to hear that your birthday was last Tuesday. They climb over themselves to give you whatever your heart desires and expect nothing in return except that shiny happy smile of yours. Take careful, accurate note of the names of these restaurants. If you enter a restaurant with a different name than the one you previously notated, chances are pretty good that they will not react with the same intense zeal.
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