Well, let's review the score.
DMV: 7
Brent: 3, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
I started Day #2 down by 4 but hoping to make up the difference. Before I left the ole apartment, I did a little inventory. Registration renewal slip: check. Emmissions test form: check. Checkbook: check. Good to go.
I headed down to the downtown emmissions testing site around 10:30, leaving more than enough time for me to counter some DMV trick and run play before it closed at 1:00. I tried to talk myself into a sense of confidence knowing that them DMV people smell and prey on fear. It took about 15 minutes to weed my way through traffic and actually find the damn place. But, despite what I'm sure was the testing site moving itself, I nailed it down and pulled into the parking lot.
DMV: 7
Brent: 4
There was a line. Of course there was. But, unlike the lines at the DMV sites, this one was moving. I was hopeful. And, there was some eye candy to satisfy my sweet tooth.
Three people in front of me, including the eye candy, ended up walking out the door quite unhappily without doing anything. This didn't look good. But, I was determined. "I'm good enough. I'm strong enough. And...I will get my registration sticker," I repeated to myself. I confidently stepped up to the window when my turn came after only 15 minutes in line.
"Hi, I need to renew my registration. Here's my emmissions test and my renewal slip," I stated in my best masculine yet sensitive tone. I smiled. DMV woman didn't. In fact, she didn't even look at me.
"60 dollars," she threw back. Apparently the glass barrier was happy-proof as well. She couldn't tell I was confident and assertive yet grateful and humbled. I wrote out the check carefully in my best, but butch, handwriting. If sissy writing was a reason for DMV woman to turn me away, I wasn't going to give her the chance.
"Here," she barked, starting to hand over my new registration printout. Almost home. Almost home.
"Wait...," she pulled back as quickly as her hand yanked back the printout.
DMV: 8
Brent: 4
"I can't take this check. It's from Hawaii...and it's in the hundreds," she said, looking up at me for the first time.
"But...but..." Nooooooooo. DMV rounded home as the ball whizzed past my catcher.
I wasn't sure if she knew that Hawaii was, in fact, the 50th state. Or, maybe it was the fact that it was a check numbered in the hundreds. I slapped myself on the inside for forgetting my copy of the U.S. Constitution...you know, the part about "Full Faith and Credit." Maybe the DMV, like the Health Department (that issues marriage licenses) was exempt. I should probably have done a findlaw.com search before leaving as well...something explicitly stating that Hawaii is in fact part of the United States...although good ole G.W. Bush may have changed something and I haven't heard about it yet. An atlas may have helped too (for G.W. in general and DMV woman for this particular instance). If it was the check, I've had the account for 8 years now; it's just my checkbook was stolen and I had the checking account changed...but the nice woman in Hawaii told me that I would be okay in the hundreds.
I tried to explain it to DMV woman. I thought about complimenting how fabulous her hair looked. Maybe I should have brought an XL bottle of Aquanet...you know, as a peace offering.
It didn't work.
"No. You're going to have to pay cash." She bunched together all of the printouts in front of her and tore them...not in half or fourths...but into little pieces.
DMV: 9 (point for DMV woman's drama)
Brent: 4
30 minutes later I returned to my apartment. Give up? Possibly.
45 minutes later, I had $80 in cash and a new game plan. I was going to find a check-cashing place. They do registration renewals. Yes. Yes. I had it this time.
30 minutes later, and I finally got to the transaction window.
"Hi, I need to renew my car's registration." I handed over the worn copy of my renewal slip.
"Just a second," said Sheniqua with the three-inch fingernails. Noooooo. Apparently I had chosen the only cashier who didn't know how to do car registration.
DMV: 10
Brent: 4
"I went to the training. She just didn't go over this part..." snapped Sheniqua at the two other cashiers who had made her way over to her. People standing in the other cashiers' lines bored a hole into my skull. I wrote down the number 5 on my hand...the number of minutes I bet myself would pass until a riot started.
At first, the transaction was going to cost me $63. Five minutes later, it was $67. One minute later it was $75. Three minutes later it was $61. "I think that's it. $61." I handed over the cash. Under the window she handed me my registration printouts and sticker.
DMV: 10
Brent: 6
I got to my car and carefully lined up the '06 sticker on the plate.
HHHHOOOONNNNKKKK.
Of course. Of course. Of course a fire truck blasted by me just as I placed the sticker over the plate....crooked...very crooked...so crooked it may give me O.C.D.
DMV: 11
Brent: 6
I got home and, just in case, looked up everything to do with registration on the wisconsin.gov site. OH...HELL NO.
Registration is $55. The late fee is $10. The lowest service charge for renewing in person is $5. The least amount I should have paid was $70. I paid $61.
DMV: 12
Brent: 6
Acknowledgements--- Thank you to all who contributed to my DMV experience: DMV man #1, DMV man #2, drunk guy, bra-less drama queen, emmissiosn testing site #1 manager, emmission testing site #1 DMV office woman, emmission testing site #2 DMV office woman, Sheniqua and the Milwaukee Fire Department...and citizens of Milwaukee.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Saturday, July 02, 2005
He told her to get up on the counter and *snap* work it...
And then there was the...DMV.
It took about 6 hours over 2 days, but I finally renewed my car's registration. Of course, I waited until the last minute, but...eh...what else is new?
Decided to avoid the downtown DMV. Never any parking. One-way street hell. And usually about two hours of waiting around. So, I headed out to another DMV center about 20 minutes away. Smart me. I pulled into the parking lot and saw a sign that said... "Estimated wait time: 49 minutes." With my powerful mastery of mathematics, I deduced that 49 minutes was less than 2 hours.
Brent: 1, DMV: 0
I walked up to the first counter to get a number. "Hi, I have to renew my registration." I told the nice man, who seem to personify the phrase "One more and I'm gonna go postal", and gave him my license plate number. He punched it into the computer, handed me a slip of paper and a number. D405. I could handle that. I looked at the row of counters and DMV workers...wow, 7 of them and looked at the numbers there were on. D376. Not bad at all. 29 more people, 7 counters. Things were looking up.
Brent: 2, DMV: 0
Of course, this wasn't really the case. I heard a computerized voice that said, "Serving A124 at counter number 3." I looked at the numbers and letters over the counter themselves. B689. A122. A124. B687. 909. C834. D374. D376. Things were not looking up.
Brent: 2
DMV: 1
Half an hour later and the DMV was up to D380. I leaned against the back wall and decided to do some people watching. Many were on their cell phones, some obviously coming or going to work, a few trying to keep control of their little tykes as they ran around the waiting area. I discovered I was also standing next to the bathrooms and also found that the women's bathroom was out of order. This was going to be interesting.
Brent: 2, Women: 0
DMV: 2
A few disgruntled women swore a little as they approached their door and, having been inconvenienced enough by the DMV, grabbed their kids and walked out with a "what the hell would you expect" look. One woman, having finished her DMV transaction, walked toward the door, looked at it and said, "what the f-ck am i supposed to do." I surveyed her and made a few observations. One: She was extremely well-endowed in the chest-us maxim-us region, well-the whole body region, too. Two: She did not believe in bras. Three: She wore what I expected was a sort of dark purple XL t-shirt that hugged her body. Four: She did not believe in bras. Five: She really had to pee. I could see she was considering whether or not to squat in front of the Out-of-Order sign and pee on the door in protest. After about 10 seconds of that thought, she had made her decision; she hiked up her jeans shorts, huffed a little, lifted her chin and stormed over to the men's bathroom, pushing it in as only a drama queen would or could. You go girl.
Brent: 2, Women: 2 (you gotta get an extra point for that one)
DMV: 2
I heard a phone ring next to me, one of those really really really annoying rings. The slightly older man, dredlocked hair pulled up into a serious pouf was swaying slightly as he looked at the phone. He opened it up and said, "hello, he-llo, hell-o...hello...hello," then looked at the display and closed the phone. He swayed a bit more and leaned down to take a drink of water from the fountain next to me. There was some serious beer breath going on. It took him a second to figure out how to work the water fountain, but he persevered. When he figured it out the water came spurting out and...hit him in the nose. Instead of lifting his head a bit to, you know, get the water in his mouth he lowered it and hit his chin on the bottom of the fountain. Finally, he did get some water, although quite a lot ended up on the front of his shirt.
His phone rang again. "hello, he-llo, hell-o...hello, hello." A minute or two later, it rang again. Same thing. Again and again. Six times in 20 minutes by my count. Same results. Now, I've gotta admire this guy. There seems something, oh i don't know, brave/idiotic/ironic about walking in to a DMV center to do any number of things concerning a vehicle and being drunk. And, there was this phone matter...that's gotta be some kind of patience to answer a phone six times in 20 minutes and hear...nothing...and then to keep doing it over and over again. At some point a fully decked out police officer walked by. Having spotted the officer about two steps before he passed, drunk guy turned and tried to walk into the bathroom. The women's bathroom. The locked women's bathroom with the "Out of Order" sign.
After some deliberation, the judges doing the scoring award 1 point to the drunk guy for getting past one DMV counter and having the guts to do it. 1 point is awarded to the DMV for: the bathroom and the water fountain.
DMV: 3
Brent: 2, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
At the 35 minute mark, something happened. Three of the DMV counter people stepped away and did not return. 2 minutes later, two more stepped away and did not return. 10 minutes passed. Another 10 minutes passed. Only two counter people faced the crowd of people. Crafty. Crafty.
DMV: 4
Brent: 2, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
So, after 1 hr 10 min my number was finally called. Yay. An all-time record low waiting time. I walked up to the counter and handed over my registration slip. "That will be 60 dollars," he began. I started to write out the check, quite giddy that I was about to cut the DMV's lead to 1. "Hold on a second..." said DMV counter man. Ahh, here comes DMV's trick and run play. "You need a vehicle emmissons test," he said. "But...," I said, trying to cover the court. "I got an emmissions test last year." Now see, I had a little problem with tickets and didn't renew my registration for a little while. So, when I renewed my registration about 7 months ago, I was told (during a game where I got blown out by the DMV something like 25-0) that I needed an emmissions test, so I got one. 7 months ago. "They're only good for 90 days," said DMV man. "But, no..I...I...got it for last year's registration." "Sorry. You need an emmissions test." DMV shoots and scores. At counter #1, DMV man #1 having seen on his handy screen that my car needed an emmissions test didn't tell me before giving me a number to wait for 1 hr 10 min. DMV man #2 burst my bubble in 20 seconds. "Where's the closest testing site?" I asked. He handed me a slip of paper and pointed to a site about 20 more minutes away from the city.
DMV: 5
Brent: 2, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
I jumped in my car and headed toward the testing site. Aha, I thought, you can do registration at the testing site. Great. But, knowing that some kind of last minute play by the DMV would thwart me, I considered all the possibilities. Emmissions. Hmm. Oil change! Of course. I passed a Valvoline station and it was....empty! Yes. I was due for an oil change soon anyway. I was in and out in about 20 minutes. Feeling a little more at ease, I was sure I could pull out at least a tie with the DMV. I arrived at the testing site and pulled up. Two of the four lanes were open and there was only one car waiting in each lane. I knew there was trouble when the man in the car in front of me, waiting to be tested, started arguing with one of the staffers. Two more cars immediately pulled in behind the car in the other open lane. I was stuck. I looked at the clock... 4:43. Everything closed at 5. At this point, I nodded my head and laughed.
DMV: 6
Brent: 3 (for the oil change), Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
4 minutes later, my car having passed the emmissions test, I pulled into the lot to see the man from the car in front of me arguing with some official-looking man in a tie. I grabbed my registration slip, my test paper and my checkbook and ran for the door. 4:47. 13 minutes to spare. But...
Of course. Of course.
Someone had written on a white piece of paper with a sharpie: "Office closed at 4:45" I pulled on the door anyway. Locked. Of course.
DMV: 7
Brent: 3, Others: 3
25 minutes later I unlocked the door to my apartment...no '06 sticker and an obvious blowout by the DMV.
On deck: Day #2
It took about 6 hours over 2 days, but I finally renewed my car's registration. Of course, I waited until the last minute, but...eh...what else is new?
Decided to avoid the downtown DMV. Never any parking. One-way street hell. And usually about two hours of waiting around. So, I headed out to another DMV center about 20 minutes away. Smart me. I pulled into the parking lot and saw a sign that said... "Estimated wait time: 49 minutes." With my powerful mastery of mathematics, I deduced that 49 minutes was less than 2 hours.
Brent: 1, DMV: 0
I walked up to the first counter to get a number. "Hi, I have to renew my registration." I told the nice man, who seem to personify the phrase "One more and I'm gonna go postal", and gave him my license plate number. He punched it into the computer, handed me a slip of paper and a number. D405. I could handle that. I looked at the row of counters and DMV workers...wow, 7 of them and looked at the numbers there were on. D376. Not bad at all. 29 more people, 7 counters. Things were looking up.
Brent: 2, DMV: 0
Of course, this wasn't really the case. I heard a computerized voice that said, "Serving A124 at counter number 3." I looked at the numbers and letters over the counter themselves. B689. A122. A124. B687. 909. C834. D374. D376. Things were not looking up.
Brent: 2
DMV: 1
Half an hour later and the DMV was up to D380. I leaned against the back wall and decided to do some people watching. Many were on their cell phones, some obviously coming or going to work, a few trying to keep control of their little tykes as they ran around the waiting area. I discovered I was also standing next to the bathrooms and also found that the women's bathroom was out of order. This was going to be interesting.
Brent: 2, Women: 0
DMV: 2
A few disgruntled women swore a little as they approached their door and, having been inconvenienced enough by the DMV, grabbed their kids and walked out with a "what the hell would you expect" look. One woman, having finished her DMV transaction, walked toward the door, looked at it and said, "what the f-ck am i supposed to do." I surveyed her and made a few observations. One: She was extremely well-endowed in the chest-us maxim-us region, well-the whole body region, too. Two: She did not believe in bras. Three: She wore what I expected was a sort of dark purple XL t-shirt that hugged her body. Four: She did not believe in bras. Five: She really had to pee. I could see she was considering whether or not to squat in front of the Out-of-Order sign and pee on the door in protest. After about 10 seconds of that thought, she had made her decision; she hiked up her jeans shorts, huffed a little, lifted her chin and stormed over to the men's bathroom, pushing it in as only a drama queen would or could. You go girl.
Brent: 2, Women: 2 (you gotta get an extra point for that one)
DMV: 2
I heard a phone ring next to me, one of those really really really annoying rings. The slightly older man, dredlocked hair pulled up into a serious pouf was swaying slightly as he looked at the phone. He opened it up and said, "hello, he-llo, hell-o...hello...hello," then looked at the display and closed the phone. He swayed a bit more and leaned down to take a drink of water from the fountain next to me. There was some serious beer breath going on. It took him a second to figure out how to work the water fountain, but he persevered. When he figured it out the water came spurting out and...hit him in the nose. Instead of lifting his head a bit to, you know, get the water in his mouth he lowered it and hit his chin on the bottom of the fountain. Finally, he did get some water, although quite a lot ended up on the front of his shirt.
His phone rang again. "hello, he-llo, hell-o...hello, hello." A minute or two later, it rang again. Same thing. Again and again. Six times in 20 minutes by my count. Same results. Now, I've gotta admire this guy. There seems something, oh i don't know, brave/idiotic/ironic about walking in to a DMV center to do any number of things concerning a vehicle and being drunk. And, there was this phone matter...that's gotta be some kind of patience to answer a phone six times in 20 minutes and hear...nothing...and then to keep doing it over and over again. At some point a fully decked out police officer walked by. Having spotted the officer about two steps before he passed, drunk guy turned and tried to walk into the bathroom. The women's bathroom. The locked women's bathroom with the "Out of Order" sign.
After some deliberation, the judges doing the scoring award 1 point to the drunk guy for getting past one DMV counter and having the guts to do it. 1 point is awarded to the DMV for: the bathroom and the water fountain.
DMV: 3
Brent: 2, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
At the 35 minute mark, something happened. Three of the DMV counter people stepped away and did not return. 2 minutes later, two more stepped away and did not return. 10 minutes passed. Another 10 minutes passed. Only two counter people faced the crowd of people. Crafty. Crafty.
DMV: 4
Brent: 2, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
So, after 1 hr 10 min my number was finally called. Yay. An all-time record low waiting time. I walked up to the counter and handed over my registration slip. "That will be 60 dollars," he began. I started to write out the check, quite giddy that I was about to cut the DMV's lead to 1. "Hold on a second..." said DMV counter man. Ahh, here comes DMV's trick and run play. "You need a vehicle emmissons test," he said. "But...," I said, trying to cover the court. "I got an emmissions test last year." Now see, I had a little problem with tickets and didn't renew my registration for a little while. So, when I renewed my registration about 7 months ago, I was told (during a game where I got blown out by the DMV something like 25-0) that I needed an emmissions test, so I got one. 7 months ago. "They're only good for 90 days," said DMV man. "But, no..I...I...got it for last year's registration." "Sorry. You need an emmissions test." DMV shoots and scores. At counter #1, DMV man #1 having seen on his handy screen that my car needed an emmissions test didn't tell me before giving me a number to wait for 1 hr 10 min. DMV man #2 burst my bubble in 20 seconds. "Where's the closest testing site?" I asked. He handed me a slip of paper and pointed to a site about 20 more minutes away from the city.
DMV: 5
Brent: 2, Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
I jumped in my car and headed toward the testing site. Aha, I thought, you can do registration at the testing site. Great. But, knowing that some kind of last minute play by the DMV would thwart me, I considered all the possibilities. Emmissions. Hmm. Oil change! Of course. I passed a Valvoline station and it was....empty! Yes. I was due for an oil change soon anyway. I was in and out in about 20 minutes. Feeling a little more at ease, I was sure I could pull out at least a tie with the DMV. I arrived at the testing site and pulled up. Two of the four lanes were open and there was only one car waiting in each lane. I knew there was trouble when the man in the car in front of me, waiting to be tested, started arguing with one of the staffers. Two more cars immediately pulled in behind the car in the other open lane. I was stuck. I looked at the clock... 4:43. Everything closed at 5. At this point, I nodded my head and laughed.
DMV: 6
Brent: 3 (for the oil change), Women: 2, Drunk guys at the DMV: 1
4 minutes later, my car having passed the emmissions test, I pulled into the lot to see the man from the car in front of me arguing with some official-looking man in a tie. I grabbed my registration slip, my test paper and my checkbook and ran for the door. 4:47. 13 minutes to spare. But...
Of course. Of course.
Someone had written on a white piece of paper with a sharpie: "Office closed at 4:45" I pulled on the door anyway. Locked. Of course.
DMV: 7
Brent: 3, Others: 3
25 minutes later I unlocked the door to my apartment...no '06 sticker and an obvious blowout by the DMV.
On deck: Day #2
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