I've been an ass lately and I understand how life has a way of evening itself out.
I'm An Ass
- Yes, I made fun of Perky Blonde Cashier at the coffee shop. Yes, making change is not always the easiest thing to do. Yes, I've had to use cash registers and calculators to subtract whole numbers in the not so distant past. Yes, I'm a hypocritical ass.
- Yes, I kind of yelled at one or two of the hostesses at work last night. Yes, I actually did yell at one or two of the hostesses last night. Yes, I actually did yell at two hostesses last night. Yes, I'm 99.9% sure they were completely faultless. Yes, I'm an unforgivable ass.
- Yes, I spent more time thinking about flirting with a cute guy instead of caring about the other people in his party. Yes, I did in fact spend more time flirting with a cute guy instead of caring about whether his party was doing okay. Yes, I'm a... Alright already! Yes, I'm a horny ass.
- Yes, I dialed 911 when a scary man kept knocking on my window when I pulled up to a gas pump at the gas station on North Ave. Yes, even when he kept saying "Answer one question and I'll leave you alone," I did dial my cell phone and showed him that it was ringing. Yes, I did have more than a dollar to give him and I didn't. Yes, I'm a snotty ass.
- Yes, I have been turning the air conditioner on in the apartment after my roommate has gone to bed. Yes, I'm part of the reason that our electricity bill went up by 50%. Yes, I denied it. Yes, I'm an environment-hating, money-wasting ass.
- Yes, I've been wearing white socks to work for three years now. Yes, I've been lying and saying that I've been wearing black socks. Yes, I'm a...I don't know....inappropriate white sock wearing ass.
- Yes, I've been going to Alterra On The Lake to watch the eye candy running/biking/walking by more than to read and write. Yes, I'm a...hmmm...horny ass.
- Yes, I'm sure that there are other things I've done in the last week or so that make me deserve whatever's been happening. Yes, I'm a forgetful ass.
But I got/I'll get mine.
- I have the most uneven tan ever seen. Someone at work asked if I had gone skiing and then told me I slightly resembled a raccoon. My arms look like a frosted mini wheat -- golden brown on top, lightly frosted underneath. My legs...lets leave them out of this. If there was ever a visible symptom of Multiple Personality Disorder...
- I'm going to get yelled at at work for being an insufferable ass. And, if the bosses forget on Monday, they'll have Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, a double on Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday to make up for it.
- I changed out of my uniform at work and found that the shooting pain on my heel was not coming from a growing blister. The shooting pain was coming from a broken bloody blister that had popped and soaked a pretty big spot on my sock. My white sock. The white sock I was wearing because I thought it was thick enough to pad my heel while I broke in my new work shoes. Okay, I lied. I wore the white sock because I hate black socks.
- I realized after my biggest party of the night left ($160) that the woman that payed the bill had taken the credit card receipt with her. The credit card receipt showing the tip. The "if-she-had-left-it" biggest tip of the night. Total tip: $0.00. $0.00/$160 = 0.0%. How's that for easy math?
- I was seated the third-to-the-last table of the night. The 4 people ended up eating slower than an anorexic nibbling in front of a mirror and didn't leave until 11:00 pm, 2 hours after we closed. The closing servers had already cashed out, finished tidying up the entire restaurant and taken off their aprons when the table was just over half way done with their meal. The cooks waved goodbye. The dishwashers shut off the dishwasher. The dishwashers left. The table asked for the bill, said the food was "pretty good" and left a 9% tip. I ended up washing out their wine glasses in a sink so I wouldn't get talkened to for reconvening a fruit fly convention.
- At 11:15 pm, I put the key in the ignition and turned. I heard a click. The Check Engine light went on. I turned again. Click. I turned again. Click. I turned again. Click. I turned again. Click. I said Hail Mary 10 times. Click. Turn. Click. Turn. Vroom. Sputter. Click.
- Ole Bessy finally started then I pulled up to aforementioned gas pump on North Avenue. Aforementioned man knocked on my window, asked for $2 to buy some smokes. I said no. This went on for a couple of minutes before I could find my cell phone. I thought about driving away, but remembered that it would take awhile before the car started and I didn't want to share that tidbit of info with $2 man.
- Bought $20 in gas. $2.47/gallon. About as low as it seems it would go. That would have been a great deal had I pressed the right button. Of course not, though. I pressed the $3.02/gallon button after tripping on the guard that stops cars from running into the gas pump. Oh well.
Of course, OF COURSE, this doesn't even begin to compare with the Katrina disaster. No stretch of anyone's imagination should ever think that Karma has something to do with Katrina. Anyone that makes that leap...I won't even go there. Tomorrow I'm going to start doing my research to find a legitimate disaster relief agency aiding the people affected and writing a check that very second. I should have done it a week ago. There's no excuse. None at all.
No comments:
Post a Comment