Sparkles!!!

Dear Bravo:

I've been faithfully watching you since the very first Queer Eye nearly 20 years ago. The Fab Five was rightfully engrained in television history. Not only did it paint OCD gay men cleaning up the world as good and moral and pure, but it showed how dependent straight people are on the gays when it comes to relationships and marriage. Hell, the straights learned they wouldn't know where to start if it weren't for the homos.

I lost a little faith after Boy Meets Boy. Even you, oh prophetic network execs, must have known that there were practical problems with putting twenty cute, sexual gay and straightish men together in one house to frolic by the pool, sleep in single bunk beds, lift weights and shower together while pretending to pursue one man. You should have known the world doesn't work that way. The gays didn't believe it. The straights didn't care. The women, well, they were happy, but who cares?

Inside The Actor's Studio is scraping the bottom of the rusty pail. We loved watching Bette Midler, the cast of Will & Grace, Jude Law, Stockard Channing among many others. But, Martin Lawrence, Dave Chappel and, as much as we love her, Rosie are pulling down the prestige of the Studio. If I see that guy that played the 3rd Munchkin in my sixth grade fall play, you're going to be getting a lot of hate mail.

Signing Kathy Griffin to her own series restored my faith. Keep Kathy and her gays on TV. Since Will & Grace is bidding adieu, we need our fag hags and the homos we wish we were and wish we were with. If Kathy asks for a couple more million to keep the series going, GIVE IT TO HER. For the love of God, people. Give it to her. Bravo needs their gays. The gays love their Kathy. Ergo Bravo must love and need the Kathy. Simple.

Battle of the Reality All-Stars was okay. We had our gays. And more than enough eye candy. By the way, there's no law against putting Burton on every other show you air. We like our Coral. She's got big knockers. The gays respect that. Still, we don't really need to see Season Two of this one.


Showdog Moms and Dads was a bust. Those crazies don't need their own show. We like our pets, but not that much. The gays on that show were cool, but none of the other pet parents liked them. They hated the gays. Yes, the pet-obsessessssssed gays were a bit annoying and quite clueless, but all that hating on them is what the 700 Club is for. We didn't appreciate that.

I've grown a little disappointed, however, in the past few years. Queer Eye was a fad. It's over. It, like Pamela Anderson's boobs, needs a makeover every once in a while to remain fresh and new. By now, even you must admit that Jay does nothing. Kyan must take his clothes off more. Ted must make something that someone, anyone, will enjoy consuming. And Carson is going to learn that the straight boys don't like even a good-natured fondling on national TV. Please, Bravo, we must have something new.

Dear sirs and madams. We don't want to watch any more Whitney. We do enough on our own.

Nobody watches Party Party. If we wanted to watch snotty, stuck-up, spoiled, whiny little kids having fabulous parties, we would have our own. No thank you.

You have given us the Runway. Yes. You redeemed yourself for a time. I thank you. But, in the past few weeks, even the Runway has gone askew. Inventing a challenge to put Sasha Cohen on Bravo was cheap and insulting. The gays like their figure skating with the best of them, but Sasha? What about Michelle Kwan? We loved our Kristi Yamaguchi. And weren't there any of those young "metrosexual" male skaters to make a guest appearance to make the show truly fabulous? Please, Timothy Goebel is pronounced with a "gay." We liked him a lot.

We did love our Banana Republic for a time. But the Banana is no longer of much interest. The Banana has let the gays down. Last season you let Wendy Pepper win for the Republic. We didn't like that. This year, you stressed out our favorites and stuffed two worthy challenges into one. Designing an outfit AND THEN a window display all in one day? We didn't believe it. We can't even dress ourselves in that amount of time.

But the final straw was when your Nina replacement called one of our gay's designs "vulgar." How dare you let that happen. Shame. Shame shame shame. Vulgar would have been putting Omorosa on Celebrity Poker Showdown. With the slutty blonde from Real World Vegas. And Wendy Pepper. Shame shame shame.

I'm told that the next Runway challenge involves foliage. Many of us were shunned by the Boy Scouts. Some of us stuck it out but got beat up at camp. We don't have good memories of nature. That's why we live in cities. Please don't get all Nature Boot Camp on us. Please.