Hypothetically speaking...

If your Mom/Dad showed up at your apartment with no warning, what would you do...first?

98% - hide condoms/drugs/beer/porn
60% - FREAK OUT...no time to do anything else
42% - throw as many things as possible in the closet
33% - Febreeze and air freshener every cubic inch
1.9% - HIDE
2.5% - shove your trick out the back door.
.73% - scream like a ninny sissy fairy
(Margin of Error +/- 100%)

When I was at the U of Illinois, some of my friends were paranoid about the possibility that their parents would decide to drive the 30 - 150 miles to visit them for the weekend...on the spur of the moment. It was an ever-present threat.

I never really had to worry. Mom and Dad were 4,000 miles, two planes and a rental car away. They would always visit on designated weekends where everyone was on their best behavior and everything was clean. Not a problem. And, partly by design.

So, much to my shock and surprise, my roommate knocked on my door this afternoon...

"Your dad is downstairs," said Chris.
"What are you talking about? No he's not," I replied incredulously.
"He says he's your dad."

Of course, it was my dad. Apparently he was really worried about this little car insurance problem I'm about to have...which I took care of, switching from USAA to Progressive (my premium payment drops by literally 750%). Only I hadn't told him about it and it's been more than difficult to get me on the phone recently. And...I think it's also true...my mom's side of the family is driving my dad nuts and he wanted a little time away...4,500 miles and five time zones away.

Every once in awhile, one (or a few) of my aunts and uncles goes a little nutty and either disowns, kicks out or otherwise shuns some member of the family for a time. It's like The Joy Luck Club without the sentimental flashbacks or The Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood without the happy ending. There's the uncle who married a white woman. There's the cousin who dated black men. There's the cousin whose fiance moved into the apartment her parents were paying for. There's the cousin who was forced to choose between being welcomed back into the village and the potential fiance that didn't properly ask her parents if he could marry her. Nutjobs, I tell you.

I'll never forget the question put to me some years ago at a 50-family-member Christmas dinner... "You're not dating a WHITE GIRL are you? Look at "Dan" he only dates proper Japanese girls."

Now, every self-respecting homo has a witty response to this type of interrogation. Usually something like (in order of appropriateness):

"Of course not..."
"In a manner of speaking."
"Kind of, in the right light...(insert polite chuckling)."
"Have you met me before?"
"Has anyone seen Telemundo recently? It's simply fabulous."
"That's the last thing you should be worrying about."
"So, how's (insert closest-related disowned family member)?"
"Only when he's not in drag."
"Of course not...I'm a big fucking homo you f-cking moron. Does anyone else want some jello?"
"Well, my boyfriend takes it up the ass like I imagine a white girl does. Does that still count?"
"(Insert favorite scene from When Animals Attack)."

Alas, I said nothing at that particular time. I'm sure it'll come up again.

Spending time with certain branches of my mom's family tree is like...well...Dante's Hell, but not as pleasant or well-mapped.

So back to Dad showing up at my doorstep in Milwaukee.

There''s always some shock and confusion that sets in. Spur of the moment travel from Hawaii to Milwaukee just doesn't happen. Unless it's me, but even escape plans are...well...planned to some degree. I felt so horribly horribly bad that my Dad had so totally stressed out that he felt it necessary to spend all that money to come to Milwaukee for something I had already handled. I was close to tears, which doesn't happen often.

But, he told me that I'm his son and he's my dad and that he's really happy to see me and see that I'm doing well. I gave him the tour of Milwaukee, which takes about 30 minutes in traffic. I showed him the places I've worked, the places I've lived, the school I went to for a time. When he left to go back to his hotel, he told me he was really happy to see how well everything's worked out for me in Milwaukee.

Tomorrow (or today) we're gonna drive to Madison.