Uuuuuuuoooouuuuuuu

I loves me some curling.

It only makes sense. I like well-designed sweats. I like brooms. I quite enjoy rocks. I enjoy circles. I'm not too shabby at geometry. And, when need be, I don't mind a good yell. Plus, you're supposed to drink while you curl.

Seriously now, what's there not to love?

Maybe it's the tofu, but I believe I've turned over a new stone.

I spent all night watching Telemundo, worried sick about you.

I've finally decided on an appropriate reaction to what used to be my favorite show, Project Run-a-f-ing-way.

Until there is vindication for Nick, I am starting The Great Tofu Fast. I've now wholly adopted tofu and henceforth reject all meat.

All this came to me this afternoon. I needed to find a place to release my anger and remember my inner Zen, so I found myself at Outpost. I felt cleansed upon entering. I walked the aisles, searching for a way to explain this crazy crazy sans-Nick and Michelle world.

Then it came to me in the organic whole grain cereal and oatmeal aisle.

Fight ridiculousness with ridiculousness.

There, on the top shelf sat my inspiration. In response to all of the crazy fundamentalist ultra-orthodox Bible-thumpers, I decided to commit myself to Ezekiel.

Ezekiel 4:9 Sprouted Grain Cereal.

The front of the box says:

As described in the Holy Scripture

"Take also unto thee Wheat and Barley and Beans and Lentils and Millet and Spelt and put them in one vessel and make bread of it..." Ezekiel 4:9

A Complete Protein Crunchy Cereal

I didn't really see anyone to whom I could point out the fact that the product isn't, in fact, bread. You know, like Ezekiel 4:9 says. It's cereal. Bread and cereal----two completely different food items. Similar ingredients, but different foods.

Eh, I bought it.

In the very next aisle, I found boxes of tofu and soy milk and soy chocolate milk and what may or may not have been a soy cow. Eh. At that moment a guy who looked a lot like Nick walked by, picked up a box of soy milk and continued on his merry way. I had found my calling, right there in the soy aisle. I grabbed a number of boxes of tofu and made my vows.

Do you know how many things you can do with tofu?

No really, I'm asking.

I have no idea.

You doubled your pleasure, not you better double my fun...

I'm trying to get excited about the Olympics. I really am. Trying. So. Hard.

It's not working.

The only event I'm looking forward to is curling.

That's sad.

I know that living in Wisconsin means I have to get excited about winter sports. And beer. And cheese. And hating everything Illinois.

Eh.

I blame Project Runway.

Why be gay?

I'm here at work. I've just been informed that Michelle Kwan has withdrawn from the Olympics.

Between this and Nick Verreos on the sham of a show formerly known as Project Runway, I'm at a loss for what to think.

Seriously now, why be gay?

Betwixted

Dear Bravo,

Henceforth, forthwith and a little dippety do, I am boycotting your network. You allowed this week's episode of The Runway to be a fiasco of the highest order. I was planning on using a more obscure word than fiasco from the French, German, Spanish, possibly even Swedish, Latin or English language, but I'm not that invested anymore. I considered just sending you a picture of a gesture. If the gay mafia and I were on good terms right now...

It has become quite obvious that you have taken the purity of The Runway and applied your television witchcraft. You have allowed The Runway to slink and sludge into a flaky triscuit of a show. I believed The Runway to be the only good in this mad, mad world. Instead, I have to see the last great hope for reality shows become a ghost of its past self.

With each passing week you have shown that which started as a competition based on talent, endearing itself to our hearts, has de-evolved into a parody of Survivor. No matter how many celebrities you try to lure me back with, I'm not biting anymore.

You can try and draw me back in with Bonus Videos of Dan Vos in his underwear and shots of what may or may not be outlined in the tight fit of the pants Nick made for him. Okay, I'm not gonna lie, that might work. But, no. No more.

I'm also angry that I couldn't use the latest Jack quotes in my latest post. "I'm against this whole charade. Did I pronounce that right? A--gainst. Yep."

Okay, maybe I got to use it, but I'm still flaming mad.

Run all the Criminal Intent marathons you want. Nothing can bring me back to you.

Except Kathy Griffin. I'll come back if you gives me some of that Kathy Griffin.

(spit)

I'm done.

Love,
Brent

P.S. I tried rearranging my roomate's rainforest into something "vulgar." The farthest I could go was "white trash." Plants being "vulgar" is impossible. Now, tell Nick you're really really sorry.

(spit)

Done.

February 9, 2006

Tomorrow will be Nick Verreos Day.

I will speak only in quotable one-liners.
I will demand that everyone around me butch it up.
I will find a safe space to imagine Paris Hilton in Mykonos.
I will shun all bearded men.
I will try to get excited about Sasha Cohen.
I will play with a Barbie.
I will rearrange my roommate's plants in a vulgar way.
I will begin and end every conversation with "Shut uuuuup!" and "wickety-wack."
I may or may not get up early enough to watch the Today Show.
Sorry Nick, I have to draw the line somewhere.

Tomorrow, I will celebrate Nick Verreos Day.

Dear Sirs and Madams

Dear Bud Light,

Bud Light Daredevil Ted Ferguson needs to go.

Now.

At least Miller gives us eye candy to look at.

Best wishes,
Brent

Runway Crazy

Ahhh, Wednesdays. Time for The Runway.

Many people have the Runway as well, but it's all because of me. You know who you are. You tried to come up with excuses not to watch. Or you tried to make me look all crazy....okay, more crazy. But then you watched, and you're more invested than I am.

Apparently, we're not the only ones. I read on one of the 3.2 million articles listed on Blogging Project Runway that the Runway season premier was the #1 show at their time slot across all networks. Then again, it's up against "Three Midgets, A Tranny and a Sweaty Puffy Coke Whore," "Everyone Kind Of Doesn't Mind Ronald Fitzgerald" and "Christians That Spin."

Eh, #1 is #1.

This past week on our #1 rated Runway, I was prepared for the worst episode of the season. The figure skating episode was forgettable in my mind. "Garden Party," "Flower Power"or "Red Lobster" as I've seen this past week's episode called, could have been another strike, but it turned into one of my favorite episodes. While they showed very little of the actual planning or construction (seriously, how did Nick's dress come to be?), they did manage to catch Daniel V, Chloe and Nick's Hallmark Precious Moment.

No, really, there'll be dolls coming out. Two mini-homos and a fag hag.

Of course, I went to the Runway website to look at their Bonus Video section. There are three videos there that made my week.

1) Daniel V. on coming out (3:15)
D.V.: "My mom teaches Sunday School...I sometimes feel more comfortable walking around New York City at 2:00 in the morning than I do walking around my own small hick town."

D.V.: "I've been shouted at walking down the street on a random afternoon,"faggot," because I had a messenger bag...The stupidest little things will just label you."

2) 80/20? Girls can only hope. (3:30)
D.V.: "Doing this in front of the camera, my relatives still don't know. But, at this point...I'm done. I'm just done....But, my ex-girlfriend still doesn't know."

D.V.: "If you want to consider me bisexual, I guess you can. I'm like 80/20....My parents think that this being bisexual is just a stage. Like I'm...trying things out."

Nick: "He's shopping."

D.V.: "And the gays will judge you just as bad for being bisexual."

And, we get final confirmation that Chloe is a true fag hag.

Chloe (to her gay friends): "That's okay, I wouldn't sleep with you either. Gross. You ho, I know where you been."

3) Nick, you know what camp you're in honey. (3:30)

Nick: "If I was on a desert island and I had to do it...for something. For food money. It can happen."

Chloe: "Those models are waiting for you to turn. Those models are dying to have you honey."

D.V.: "It's true they are. I heard them talking about it."

Nick: "Okay, back to Daniel."

Chloe: "I always have my gay radar on. That's my biggest fear...to date a gay guy."

I loves me some Chloe. And, really, the parents would love for you to be my girlfriend. There are technical and logistical problems with that, but I'm sure we can figure something out.

On a final note, I am still checking the site meter for certain keyword searches that would necessitate me taking certain parts of this blog down. I don't want to embarass or cause trouble for certain people or groups that I've blogged about. Except John and Mike. You bitches are S.O.L. And Smeagel. Screw him. But, not literally.

About 90% of the visitors to this blog are referred here by some combination of search engine keywords involving Daniel Vosovic. I'm not going to say what the other keywords are, but let's just say that I'm not the only one smitten by one Mr. D.V. Yeah, let's leave it at that.

Hella sad

Which Project Runway designer are you?

Awww. hell no.

I ain't even gonna say who it turns out I am. Where the hell are my meds?

Maybe if I keep saying

"It's simple in a JC Penny kind of way..."

I can channel DV.

I love me some eye candy on television. But, I get a little confused with all the straightys or maybe not so straightys playing gay, then playing gay basher, then playing straight best friend, then... Maybe that's why I don't mind reality tv.


Huntley Ritter. On Popular, he played the gay-bashing football/baseball player with that scary look in his eye.

Then in Bring It On, he was the gayish cheerleader who gave an Oscar-worthy performance highlighted by a scene where he got all nervous about telling some blondey that he was "great." Oscar, I tell you. Not totally true to life, but, eh, all in a day.


There's Charlie Hunnam. He was the boytoy "Michael" of the U.K. version of Queer As Folk. Whereas the U.S. QAF was a little past softcore, the U.K. pushed past hardcore. I'm not complaining, I'm just sayin...

Then in Young Americans, possibly the best television show of all time, he played the rotten apple that hated on the turned-out-not-to-be gayish couple. When one person is crossdressing, though, I'm not sure what to call it. That's the brilliance of Y.A. Why, oh W.B. execs, did this show end?


Of course we'll move onto Ian Sommerhalder.

In Rules Of Attraction, we wished casting had found someone other than James Vanderbeek. But, eh, we'll take it. With his dancing scenes in front of the mirror and on the bed, Ian made us forget about Crazy Cruise. Thank Scientology God.

In MTV's Anatomy of A Hate Crime, he played Aaron McKinney, one of Matthew Shepard's murderers. Busy Phillips, one of the gay's favorites on The Creek College Years, also played McKinney's girlfriend.

On Young Americans, he thought he was gay when he fell in love with a guy. Turned out to be a girl crossdressing as a guy to piss off her parents. Not really sure how that one worked out. Who cares. He took his shirt off a lot.


There's John Driscoll. On the Creek, he played the Frat rush chair who HAD to have Jack join the house. Then, he turns and not in the good way. He leads the charge to push Jack's boy-loving out of the house's memory.

And then, he appears on Book Of Daniel. He flirts with Christian Campbell after their church choir performance. He's sweet and believable as the masculine, metro straight guy.



Of course, me loves me some Christian Campbell. Trick will always have a special place in my heart. It wasn't the best movie, but it was one of the first. It wasn't really comforting and there wasn't much in the way of plot, but at least it seemed real. And, they showed in in Champaign-Urbana. I couldn't believe it.

In Trick, he played the young, naive, showtune-writing, go-go boy-chasing, living day-to-day-in-NYC twink.

In Book of Daniel, he plays the chess-playing, dorky, son-of-a-preacher-man, church choir-singing gay boy who isn't against sleeping with women.

Disconnect? Nope. But, me loves me some Christian Campbell. Have you seen those dimples?

I'm guessing the problem isn't so much that I don't know whether they're gay or gay-bashing characters, but that I'm watching things like Bring It On and The Creek. Just a guess.

Sometimes I'm not supposed to understand

From time to time, I'm reminded how there are people out there in the world that I just cannot understand. I try to understand where people are coming from, try to listen to their opinions and to think logically about different ideas.

But, maybe there are time when I'm just not supposed to understand.

A certain Topeka, Kansas, defrocked Baptist minister has announced that he and a small, but vocal group of followers are planning on protesting the funerals of Wisconsin soldiers killed in the Middle East. The group is infamous for protesting the funerals of gays and lesbians as well as those who have passed as a result of complications due to AIDS and HIV.

But, as far as has been verified by the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, none of the late soldiers were gay. I believe that the military actively screens soldiers for HIV/AIDS in their routine physicals. However, the group has posted images of the signs they plan on carrying.

They include:

"Thank God For 9-11" and "God Hates America."

Mr. Defrocked claims that God killed these Wisconsin soldiers in the Middle East because the United States "harbors gays". These soldiers were fighting for a nation that "harbors gays" and were rightfully struck down by God. Therefore, their funerals should be protested.

.....

Anyone?

Anyone?

The Wisconsin state legislature and Governor Doyle are considering legislation.

Preventing Mr. Defrocked from protesting? Nope. First Amendment issues. If the KKK could do it in Skokie, then....

Forbidding him from entering the state? Nope. But, wouldn't that be just swell.

No, the governor and legislature are considering a law to require a certain distance to be maintained by protesters and funerals. I guess when I go and protest some KKK funeral, I'll have to stay a certain distance as well. Eh, all in a day.

However, Republican senators are calling any legislation a restriction on free speech. Exactly what needs to be said that will piss off the suburban/rural moderates enough to get as angry as I and more than a few people are?

Then again...

1) Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell blamed the 9-11 attacks and murders on "the pagans and the abortionists and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People For the American Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the finger in their face and say "you helped this happen."

2) Bush and every Republican that can get near a microphone, tape recorder and camera has said that gay marriage is a threat to the institution of marriage. Didn't The Bachelor, Married In America, Brittany Spears #1, Brittany Spears #2 and all the divorced couples already pretty much seal the deal? Bill Maher hypothesizes that Bush may be correct because gay marriage looks more fun. However, as Maher points out quite eloquently, political speeches and laws aren't the only thing keeping male-on-male blowjobs from breaking out in sports bars across the country.

Oh well.

Brokeback Soreass

From today's LA Weekly and one of a number of blogs:

How Gay Will Oscar Go?

Given that it's Oscar time, I nominate the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for Best Bunch of Hypocrites. That’s because this year’s dirty little secret is the anecdotal evidence pouring in to me about hetero members being unwilling to screen Brokeback Mountain...

Frankly, I find horrifying each whispered admission to me from Academy members who usually pose as social liberals that they’re disgusted by even the possibility of glimpsing simulated gay sex. Earth to the easily offended: This movie has been criticized for being too sexually tame. Hey, Academy, what are you worried about: that you’ll turn gay or, worse, get a stiffie by just the hint of hunk-on-hunk action?

It doesn't look like the Academy members will have much of a choice.

Felicity Huffman in TransAmerica seems to be the clear frontrunner for Best Actress. Reese and Charlize could cancel each other out. Both were inspiring performances. Though, never count out the British, I guess.

Philip Seymour Hoffman has won both the Golden Globe and SAG Award. His Capote was spectacular and fabulous in every way. I'm not the only one in thinking this one isn't even a race. Heath Ledger can take all the clothes off he wants and Joaquin can sing his little heart out but if PSH doesn't walk home with little ole Oscar, it's a travesty of justice. Then again, Bush is still our president.

From there on out, though, the Academy could give a collective "that's enough." Well, maybe the Cinematography award to Brokeback. The geezers like their nature. And sheep. Baaaaaa.

To be completely honest, I'm not the biggest Brokeback fan. The landscape was breathtaking. The acting was honest and, I hate to say it but, pure. I bought it. From the very beginning. Heath and Jake and Michelle and Anne were the perfect ensemble and the bit parts were meticulously groomed and perfectly placed.

Now saying I'm not the biggest Brokeback fan is just to say that I'm not about to call it "groundbreaking" or "monumental" or "a breakthrough for gay (or sexually ambiguous) cinema" or "the most important film of the 20th century."

I saw the film on Milwaukee's opening day. I ordered tickets online and went with my friend Jamie and fought the huge crowds. I considered driving to Chicago because, I'll admit, I cried when I watched the preview online and I thought I had to go and see it right then and there.

"There are places you can never go back to..."

I mean, come on. Seeing that line on the screen and listening to the theme music, I lost it.

But, I didn't have the same reaction that most people seem to be having about The Mountain.

1) My ass fell asleep at the 45 minute mark. Right about when Heath and Jake were still "coworkers" and bitching about eating beans. I spent the next 14-1/2 hours of the movie wondering if working my gluts at the gym would have helped me to be more comfortable. A little more cushion for the pushin? Or more hard for the guard?

2) I didn't cry. Not once. At three points during the movie, it sounded like the theater itself was crying its eyes out. Complete emotional breakdown. I didn't feel a thing. I cried more watching 54. Now, I loved the performances and I really forgot that it was a movie. But, I didn't ever feel a tear even thinking about rolling out. Well, I'll admit that I felt a little coming on at the end when Jack's mom opened that brown paper bag for Ennis. That one hit a spot. But other than that, it was 15 hours of wondering if I still had a soul.

3) The previews before the movie freaked my shit out. For five minutes, all I saw were boxes and assembly lines carrying dolls in various stages of construction. They all started out looking the same and later in the process some of them were cute little Cabbage Patch Kids, some were bloody amputated messes, some were My Buddy (remember that one? My Buddy, My Buddy, My Buddy and meeeeee....ha!) and some were disgusting half-headed monsters. I don't think Ang would like that preview freaking the shit out of audiences before his movie. Someone should look into that.

4) I should have waited. Obviously, on the first night, the theater was packed for the first showings in Milwaukee. It was the Great Wisconsin Homo Migration. Pridefest doesn't have that kind of draw. I'm not complaining about that, but it stressed my shit out a little. I kept wondering if what I had on looked expensive enough. I went with a light Gap sweater over a collared shirt and my Gap jeans and decent looking loafers. I even wore dark socks. That's huge. Monumental, even.

5) I spent quite a while, 2-1/2 hours or so when nothing was really happening onscreen, thinking about how easy all the porn-adaptations were going to be. It's really not that difficult. But, I think I laughed inappropriately.

In the end, I enjoyed The Mountain. I was thrilled at Michelle Williams and Anne Hathaway's performances. I was impressed by Jake and Heath. I loved the cinematography, score and music. But it still wasn't, to me, "groundbreaking." It was an excellent movie and most deserving of a few Oscar nods. Definitely Cinematography and Directing and, considering the other nominees, I think it could squeak in for Best Picture with all things being equal. Unfortunately, I doubt that the gays will be happier than normal come Oscar Day.

Project V

As much as I didn't want to be the biggest fan of the Foliage Is Fun challenge, there were many many highlights. Overall, I'd have to say I was pleasantly surprised that the show is back on track - true to fashion design and entertaining to watch.

The new title of the show should be Project Vosovic.He's now won more than half of the challenges and the judges (even the guest judges) just seem like they want to make out with him. As soon as Heidi kicked it over to Daniel to talk about his dress on the runway, her face lit up faster than Giniqua at a strip club. I couldn't tell if the two guest judges were talking about D.V.'s dress or Daniel himself.

"I think this looks great. I think it's adorable....Love the proportions..."

They both looked like they were about to stick a couple of bills in his g-string. Eh, who can blame em?

D.V. also revealed that he only recently came out to his parents. Being from a smaller town and a religious family didn't help. I'm pretty sure there are more than a few people out there in Michigan...(cough) (cough) who wouldn't mind being his best friend whenever he returns home.

The absolute best quote though:

Heidi: "I have no problem with it being shiny."
Michael: "Because you're German..."

I guess you had to be there.

Walk it

T minus 4 hours 20 minutes to the Runway.

I've been losing a little faith in the producers. Barbie stands as THE BEST challenge of the show over a season and a half. Lingerie was a good idea even though the designs didn't exactly live up to the exciting potential.

Then came the challenges for the Republic and Sasha Cohen. While D.V. and Andrae's outfit worked it and Santino/Nick's was actually quite interesting, there wasn't much room for creativity or any kind of "breakout" performance. The skating challenge offered ZERO room for any kind of creativity. Sasha basically chose the outfit that most looked like a skating outfit. And we all know what kind of bullshit that caused. Good riddance Zuzu.

Thankfully the designers, Michael and Nina and the fabulous Tim Gunn (look out Anderson Cooper!) have saved the day for the crappy challenges. Nick and Daniel V and Chloe are so endearing. Santino is the Jerry Springer Show that keeps me coming back for all the bullshit I can't stand and can't stand not to watch. Nina works it and rocks it better than any reality show judge. And Tim Gunn is just...Tim Gunn. Love him. Love everything about him.

I'm not feeling the whole "nature" theme that seems to be this week's challenge. It's kind of corny. It's a little cliche. It's not very original.

Here's hoping this week's show gets a Hogwarts E: Exceeds Expectations.

Throwing your lot in with...

Although we, as a nation, passed 'enough is enough' about five years ago, it's obscure political positioning like this that reminds us that we're being coralled far past the wrong side of the fence. (from someguysarenormal). Is this the final straw? Of course not. That would be sensationalizing. We passed the final straw a whiles back.

In a recent United Nations vote, the U.S. delegates voted with the majority to deny consultative status to the International Lesbian and Gay Association (ILGA) and a Danish gay and lesbian association. As a result, neither group nor any gay and lesbian organization, will be heard at the United Nations. The European ILGA, Canadian and German LGBT organization's applications are still pending.

In 2002, the U.S. ILGA application was supported by the U.S. and 16 other nations buoyed by a U.S. State Department report that cited a duty to corral international support for LGBT human rights.

The recent vote broke down as:

In favor of a hearing on consultative status: Chile, France, Germany, Peru, and Romania.

Against: United States, Cameroon, China, Cuba, Iran, Pakistan, Russian Federation, Senegal, Sudan and Zimbabwe.

So, it's us and five countries that have executed young men for "homosexuality" in the past five years.

Okay. Canada ain't looking as cold as it did before.