So that's why we had saltines...

You know you're somewhere close to the bottom of the barrel when:

...well, for one thing, you have to look up how to spell barrel, but also...

...you start measuring your status in society by comparing your neat, tidy and organized stack of groceries at the checkout counter to other people's slapdash-throw-it-on-the-conveyer-belt mess.

I like to stack my groceries by perishable (heaviest to lightest), non-peishable (heaviest to lightest) all the while obscuring the items I fear will bring on judgment (jello, Spam, minute ramen, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter; you know, that kind of thing) between large items (cereal boxes, Prego bottles, milk cartons).

Today I realized that I totally judge people whose grocery stacking has no rhyme or reason.

I blame the Jewel Osco in Chicago's Boystown for this character flaw. Shopping there taught me how to:

-- Shop during off-peak hours for items with more than 2 g of fat per serving

-- Hide potentially embarassing purchases among other larger purchases should it turn out that the guy behind you in line could have been Mr. Perfect if only he didn't see that you were buying spam,

-- Arrange groceries so as to appear that you are hosting a fabulous, yet obviously exclusive, dinner party,

-- Always buy some obscure item in the "organic" aisle that could lead to flirtatious conversation at the checkout counter about "how great this Organic Multigrain Trail Mix Granola Yumtastic tastes with a little nonfat, unsweeted vanilla yogurt in the morning....right after we find your underwear that got thrown somewhere earlier..."

I need therapy.