....and so does Karen #2...

Alright I'm on to my next tv show addiction. Top Design!

But...

It's only been 15 minutes and I'm a bit perplexed and slightly grated; if that's at all possible.

1) Where's Todd Oldham? Star Trek's Data was more human in the first 10 Next Generation shows in its first season than whatever is hosting TD. If I can make some suggestions to the Bravo execs before they set out to rescue the actual Human Oldham:

(a) Robot Oldham was constructed near some kind of makeup factory that just exploded in every direction.
(b) Robot Oldham's voice was probably recorded from a pre-student teaching collegiate's reading of "Heather Has Two Mommies" at a Barnes & Noble. You know, that voice used by education majors before a professor or advisor or fellow student teacher tells them to "fucking cut it out" because "if you keep it up, I'll punch you in the windpipe." "Seriously. Right in the windpipe. Really fucking hard."

2) He's married. With a beautiful daughter. And a gorgeous wife. I know I'm not the only one who thinks that women -- no matter how intelligent and cultured -- need to take responsibility for marrying The Most Obviously Gay Man Ever. I know a lot of straight men who take their daughters pumpkin picking but MOST enjoy deciding where in the exquisitely decorated house to place this perfect pumpkin. Okay, I don't know any straight guys who do either of those things. If he knows what Vera Wang and Nina Garcia look like without ever watching Project Runway...It's all your fault you gorgeous-but-soon-to-be-ex-wife-when-your-husband-runs-off-to-strip-in-West-Hollywood-and-doesn't-come-back.

3) He wants to stay with the women. Because it wouldn't make a difference. Hethinks the women are butcher than the men. You'd think an interior designer has looked in a mirror. Apparently, he hasn't. Kettle, meet pot.

Love it. Love it all.

...the one with the funny drunk girl...

I'm back. Kind of.

Went to New Orleans. Giniqua and I accomplished 1 of 2 goals for the weekend: (1) Avoid all STDs and (2) Find the largest drinking "vessel" ever made and consume whatever liquor one can fit in said vessel.

But, more importantly...

TOP CHEF!!!

I didn't want to get addicted. I tried not to. I tried really really hard. But have you seen Sam and Ilan? And Elia could make a gay boy switch teams faster than... I don't know. I'll come up with something to end that one.

This week's episode features the first part of the Top Chef Final Four in Hawaii. I wanted to take this opportunity to offer some words of wisdom for any cooks and/or party planners getting all giddy over a Hawaiian theme luau...which seems to be the only thing anyone thinks of when they think "Hawaii-themed party."

(1) Stuffing something in leaves and slopping it on a piece of wood does not make whatever crap you made "Hawaiian" food.

(2) Spam is not the official State Meat of Hawaii. Just because you serve it doesn't mean you've cooked "Hawaiian." And nobody outside of Hawaii likes spam.

(3) GET RID OF THE PLASTIC LEIS. Seriously, if you're not attending a college kegger party, leave the plastic at home. It's stupid.

Just a bit of advice that should have been given to them Top Chef people before they got to Hawaii.