Tragic Vegas Part II

Maybe a few more. And considering we were there to play volleyball, perhaps some about the actual playing...

#19: Team Vegas Tragic

There are reasons I say I will never play with John again. It's not that John's not good or that John doesn't know players that are good. He is and he does. It's just that John putting together a team, AND AN A TEAM AT THAT, is much like Stevie Wonder rating America's best art museums. Tragic. Funny and amusing, downright hilarious, but TRAGIC. Unfortunately, when John registered us for Vegas, he did not sign us up for the: "Mostly 6'0 and under, Mixed B/BB, drunk, high, distractingly horny United Colors ad" division.

#18a-e: Did she just...

a) ...face his back to the net...toss the ball up...backwards backspin serve...AND get called for a foot fault? Yes, yes he did. We're fucked.

b) ...pass Kim Willoughby on the NCAA kill and attempts list...after six games? Yes, yes he did. His arm is fucked.

c) ...hit a ten foot line pipe...under the net? Yes, yes he did. We've been fucked, so who cares.

d) ...Yell "GET IT TOGETHER!" before I set the ball? yes, yes he did. With good reason, though so fuck it.

e) ...set match point, tournament one-two-bbq point, into the net? Yes, yes he did. Fuck this shit, where the hell's my drink? Coffee, tea, cigarettes?

Seriously, "She bang, she bang...oh baby she move she move..." had a better showing on American Idol.

#17: Why you gotta be sweatin the brotha?

Apparently it's no longer "appropriate" to set up your own bar at the gym. Before play starts. During play. After play. Anytime. I don't know where Mr. Rent-A-Cop got the idea, but maintaining a steady buzz through tournament play has got to be some kind of NAGVA bylaw. But of course, the only member of Team United Colors that gets busted by the cracka cop is Giniqua. It was, in retrospect, logical to appeal to his sense of aesthetics by displaying the sleek new design of Smirnoff Ice, but not entirely effective. So THAT'S WHY WE LOST. Damn cops. Girl couldn't get her drink on properly.

#16: Provo is so beautiful in autumn.

For a team that has never played together before, doesn't know each other's names and can't, in fact, point to their teammates yet, a practice session or ten is a good idea. However, was there no gym in the ENTIRE STATE OF NEVADA open for use on a Friday afternoon? It's not that I didn't enjoy driving to BYU, because I DIDN'T, but I'm still coughing up dust and tumbleweeds. Nobody else liked it either. Thanks a lot John. We still sucked something sour.

#15: No black soled shoes or prissy nelly bottoms.

Not only did we drive into the heart of Mormon country, risking our lives as it was, but what darling warning did we receive as we began the four day car ride to get there? "Okay, we all have to act straight." Girrrrrlllll. Awww Hellll no. And, for the record, it was Vlad and John that the underage chicken thought were the big homos. Take that bitches. *snap* *snap* *snapsnap*

To be continued.

Tragic Vegas Part I

And without further adieu...ala VH1 Great Things About

Top 25 Most Ignorant Moments, Vegas 2005

Honorable Mention: La Quinnnnntaaa....

I'm not saying that the southwest La Quinta Inn building style isn't cute and cozy and, I'm sure, functional. But, does EVERY non-casino building in Las Vegas have to be built that way? And must Brent yell La Quiiinnnntttaaaa out the window every 5 minutes? Bitch is gonna get slapped...and hard.

#25: Chicken...the other white meat.

If there's a straight boy, "straight" boy or "straight but has only f-cked boys for the last decade or two" boy within three zip codes in any direction, rest assured that Giniqua will know. And I mean "know" in that creepy Highlander-immortal-sixth-sense kind of way. Oh look a fowl has wandered away from the flock...poor things.

#24: "No cameras, camera phones, Etch-A-Sketches allowed..."

I'm not saying that a certain someone whose name starts with Jay and may or may not live on the eastern coast of some country that is the U.S. has pictures of the UNLV men's swim team....showering...in the locker room...wearing...??? But apprently, he might. And by might, I mean he does. If anyone asks, that spot next to the showers was the only spot on the whole UNLV campus that he could get any reception. But, seriously ask yourself: If a university swim team is showering in public, aren't you morally obligated to share that with everyone? Go Rebels! Run! Run! Run Away!

#23: Cosmos aren't just for brunch anymore.

I'm not gonna lie, Mike, John and I started drinking at 9:00. In the A.M. On Friday. 15 minues after I got off the plane, 3 minutes after John ate breakfast and 30 seconds after Mike woke up.

#22: Dear, John...you're stupid.

When you ask John where his shot glasses are, he'll tell you he doesn't have any. And, he doesn't. But if you REALLY need one, they're on top of his refrigerator. I'm just saying they're there if you need one. But, he doesn't have any. Anywhere in his apartment. Except on top of the refrigerator. Right there on top. At eye level, in fact. But, he really doesn't have any.

#21: Porn is the new art.

I'm not saying that anyone named MIKE will search for, download and save as the wallpaper on your computer a hung, hard man draped over some piece of furniture, playing with himself, EVERY time you leave the room. But, he might. And by might, I mean that he will. And does. And then he giggles.

#20: I'm not saying you're sleeping on a porn set, but you might be...

Anyone who has more than two computers is producing porn. Period. End of discussion. I don't buy the whole "internet gambling as a career" excuse. I walked into John's apartment and found: (1) numerous bottles of booze, (2) three side-by-side-by-side computers, (3) a futon in the middle of the living room, and (4) a straight boy in a white t-shirt and boxers "sleeping" on the futon. I don't know much, but I know a porn set when I see one.

To Be Continued...

And now you're picturing tracing your...

I just spent 15 minutes staring at my Raspberry Green Tea brewing in my new-ish French Tea Press Gay Toy Pot. I even dragged my roommate over to stare with me.

Me: It's soooo cool.
Roomie: That is so cool! I love it.
Me: I knoowwwww!

5 minutes later...

Me: You can play with it too if you want.
Roomie: (watching tv in another room)....what did you say?
Me: You can play with the teapot if you want.
Roomie: ...Really? Are you sure?
Me: Hmm...maybe not. But you can watch it with me.

No really, that was the last 15 minutes of my life.

The way you were drinking your tea...

Ha Billie! If I have to watch every episode of Will and Grace, believe, I will.

To all those (tens of) people out there: I am, in fact, still alive.

My bout with the Bird Flu has passed. Although I still predict immediate unconsciousness if I even see a snake, the worst has come and gone.

I would like to send out a big thank you to all those people who called, e-mailed, texted and messaged me to ask if I was dead. Although if I was indeed dead, the e-mailing, texting and messaging probably wouldn't have been as funny or productive. I still appreciate the sentiment.

To those who have sent messages demanding the Top 25 Most Ignorant Moments, Vegas 2005, I am almost there. A few drinks, a bottle of wine, three more drinks, a little Divas Live and then three more drinks and I will be right back in the zone that led to more than a few of the Top 25.

Some updates from the last two weeks or so:

1) I missed out on the encore presentatin of Divas Live: Back in DC. Although I would have liked to have given thanks to Krave for the pocket gift in an appropriate place and context, I could not join the raucous that was DC 2005. I did hear about some of the tragicity, but nothing will compare to Vegas.

2) Tragicity is now my favorite word.

3) I headed down to Evanston to watch Michigan State volleyball at Northwestern. After the match, I waited to say a quick hi and bye to the players and staff before they got on the bus.

I waved a quick hi at one of the players as I was talking to the head coach. Said player, who I last remember being chased across the X-Cel dance floor by a drag queen with a high heel over said drag queen's head, exclaimed, "Oh my god, when are you coming back to Lansing so we can go back to the gay bar!?!" I was assured later on that pretty much everyone in the western hemisphere and most of the other hemispheres knows I'm a big homo. That, my fairy friend, is not the point.

I don't know what the point is, but letting the head coach of a major volleyball program know that you hang out with her players at gay bars with strippers, drag queens, coke whore thiefs and the like is not the best way to get "come back and work for us" and/or "Dear Fellow Coach: Brent is an excellent and inspiring coach" letters.

4) The biggest thrill of the last month or so was my purchase of a new tea-brewing pot. It's like a combination teapot-french-press-accessory-plaything. I also bought some Raspberry Green Tea to put into my new toy because I was assured the color was crazy cool.

Yes, that's one of the coolest things that's happened. That's pretty tragic.

Beware: Thanksgiving

I'm almost over the bird flu.

I still ache all over all the time.
I can't breathe.
I have a serious fever.
I've developed a debilitating fear of snakes.
The thermometer I put in my mouth just laughed at me.
I think I coughed up some feathers last night.

And, I'm not gonna lie, I swear there's a chicken hobbling around in my room somewhere.

I probably shouldn't have gone to work this past weekend.

I'm siiick...

I'm sick. It sucks. I blame Vegas.

12 minutes and this trip is officially ruined...

The Top 25 Most Ignorant Vegas Moments 2005 will appear as soon as the votes have been collected, counted and verified by a Republican party representative. For more info, please contact the accounting firm Homo, Flaming Homo and "Metrosexual".

Tragic? No, just sad.

Maybe I should be in Vegas, or somewhere Winesha can come out a little more.

I just watched A Cinderella Story with Hillary Duff.

And I was interested in how it ended.

I ain't gonna lie...That's just sad.

Tragic...

I'm back in Milwaukee after what seems like a month in Vegas. There was a general consensus from everyone there for the NAGVA tourney that we all had to get the hell out of Dodge before we all dropped dead or went permanently nutty.

But, all I have to say is...Damn.

Pictures were taken. I remember some of them. I don't remember most of them. Divas Live was a huge success raising a lot of money for char...wait...hmm...let's just say Divas Live was a success and leave it at that. Which I never do.

There will be, in the coming days, a recap of all things Vegas October 28-Nov 1, 2005. This past weekend will go down in the annals as one of the most tragic, ignorant, Anna Nicole T-S fabulous weekends in the history of human kind, and also baboons with their flaming red asses. Apparently my Biological Bases of Human Behavior class at Illinois has come in handy.

To all those in Vegas, Henderson, Provo, Tempe, Idaho and the Four Corners that played host to my and my teammate's debauchery this weekend, I say to you: (1) What the hell happened? (2) If any of you find my cat, Skittles, please call, write or e-mail. I never really knew what she looked like, but work with me will ya? (3) You were gracious hosts but I'm not really sure why the hell John drove us to most of your cities.

In the coming days, as more information is relayed back to me about all the things that may or may not have happend, I will report back for the good of a nation, the benefit of the world and the advancement of humankind.

You think you know. But you have no idea...Diary: Whitney does Vegas.

Some of the Things I Learned in Vegas:
1) There are only two places in Nevada that serve eggs.
2) I feel like chicken every night. All night long. Everywhere. Is my ass red, or did I just de-evolve?
3) I cannot, in good conscience, go anywhere near the east coast...specifically D.C., Boston and New York because Winesha is too much of a tragic mess to be let out ever again around certain people.
4) Tragic is not just an adjective anymore. It's a way of life.
5) Mike, Jay, Scott and John are the reason my mom wants me to move home.
6) Keeping a consistent buzz the entire day of a tournament is the only way to live.
7) Any friend of John is a friend of Dorothy. Seriously people, "metrosexual" is just a rest stop on the highway to homo.
8) Salt Lake City or bust

Of course, there'll be more.

And also, to those who were actually at Krave on Sunday night, the T-shirts will be available as soon as possible:

I SURVIVEDED BRITTANEY IN VEGAAS 20005 1/2

...Bar and Grill

On Deck:

The Top 25 Most Ignorant Moments, Vegas NAGVA 2005

Preview? Of Course.

2) Somebody peel Brittney off the floor. Oh wait, that's just her costume. No, I don't think it is. Whatever, just leave her.

4) Giniqua anoints Wine-isha Malamalamanakoolaumekeainaikapono Lee. But...damn. I ain't gonna lie, it was tragic...

9) Driving 30 minutes just to throw shade to Smeagel at the Cheesecake Factory.

10) Smeagel at the Cheesecake Factory. Somebody just give the boy his damn ring back already.

Oh, we got rid of the crabcakes. We switched to the chicken sate..

I'm off to Vegas for the weekend! What happens in Vegas...aw hell, I'm gonna be drunk the whole time anyway, so who cares.

As usual, I've overpacked. The roomies asked if I'm moving out.

I'm hoping my team has a decent showing, but I'm not expecting much. I'll be happy as long as I don't get six-packed by a tranny...again. I'll tell ya, it's the little things in life.

Gambling's pretty much out of the question since the whole car thing ($550) and the landlord thing ($1200) zapped my bank account. I'll get over it. I do have my "Why did the gays have to ruin the rainbow for everybody else" and "This seemed funnier when I bought it" shirts and some new jeans to wear, so the weekend won't be a total bust.

In case there's some Halloween festivities on Sunday, I've decided to go as...

Miss Swan. :) He looka like a man. Appropo at a gay volleyball tourney party, methinks. Not very original, I'll agree. But, not very difficult for me to pull off either. We've got one real female on our team, so I'll have some makeup to steal.*** At least it's better than doing the Cho and yelling, "STICK IT IN," to everyone in sight. Hmmm, on second thought... Then again, there's gonna be lots of gay rice there probably doing the same thing. I should have bought that shirt that said, "This is my clone."

I'm hoping to take pictures. Then, I'm hoping that I don't lose the camera...again. Seriously though, who am I kidding?

Good times. Good times.

***Ever hear yourself creating a sentence that has never been spoken before and will never be spoken again?

"No, I'm serious. I'm trying to help M get her purse back from some fucking cracked out whore thief, but I have to help this drag queen get her shoe out of this tree. Thestripper threw it up there. No, I'm just trying to make nice with her so we get invitied to her drag daughter's pool party. They have slurpees and pot." Exactly.

"All I saw was Mikasa headed at my head. Then she started dancing while her team sang that Milkshake song. Yeah, that's gotta be some kind of delay of game going on. What would you give her? A pink card? Hmmm...I couldn't tell...no...uh uh...maybe...no, I don't think she's had the operation yet. Right, she's probably just on hormones. I don't know, she was wearing spandex, but she might have taped it down. Yeah, girl can play some volleyball. No...the gay volleyball league... Right. Yeah, I know. We HAVE to find a tranny to play middle for us next tournament." Ditto.

Aerosmith? No, Madison Square Garden...

I told you tear gas can be fun in the right context. Them Spartans know how to riot something crazy.

From Ben, hands down, the funniest guy I know.

No really, they're his...

Oh great, the stock dumb character...

I used to watch She-Ra. Do you remember? She was He-Man's sister or something and lived in some parallel universe with a unicorn and some homos and future characters on the O.C. She had a castle like He-Man's except cleaner and brighter and happier...you know, spring colors. And the jewels. Jewels everywhere.

I miss that.

Oh, and if I haven't already mentioned it, I'm a big homosexual.

Not related in any way, shape or form.

Then why am I yelling...?

Figure out that quote Billie! ha.

I finally got a time to take Ole Bessie into the shop. Apparently a part that never fails, of course, failed and messed up a whole bunch of other things. The mechanic was explaining what he found to me but all I heard was, "chitty chitty bang bang, chitty chitty bang bang." I actually danced along to it for a little while before my roommate started looking at me funny.

I did catch the end of it which was: "I called around to all the parts places in Milwaukee and no one has that part stocked. It rarely ever needs to be replaced." Of course.

I will get Bessie back in about 4 days. A week before I'm about to leave for Vegas, I'm out $550. I guess I'm gonna nix my idea to gamble at least $300 at the blackjack tables. Every casino I've been to has gotten about $100 of my money and then I get really bored. And then I start drinking. Or keep drinking.

Oh, touche my friend, touche. With your lemons I will make lemon bars. Yum. lemon bars. I haven't had me one of them in about a year. Great, now I want a lemon bar.

We're burning Catcher In The Rye today...

I'm always asked how someone from Hawaii could ever end up in the midwest. Honolulu to Milwaukee is not a normal migration, I'm told. I don't get why not. There's cheese and beer and the Packers and...cheese and...snow...pretty snow. you can pee in the snow. When you're drunk. With nowhere else to pee. I swear officer.

So anyway, as beautiful as it is, Oahu is a really small island in the middle of a really big ocean. It's literally as big as an...ocean. In every direction.

When a hurricane or a tsunami or a tidal wave hit we would evacuate to...higher land. There were a couple of options for higher land: (1) head toward the closest mountain or (2) take three steps away from the ocean (which, now that I think about it, is the same thing as #1...you're either heading toward the mountain or away from the mountain, as my mom would say). Both #1 and #2 offer exactly the same amount of protection from impending natural disasters.

So, I've moved from Honolulu to Champaign-Urbana to Chicago to Milwaukee. I'm slowly migrating north. Like a really confused swallow. Which I don't.

I think I can finally give a proper explanation: I'm trying to get as far away from the Mason-Dixon line as possible. Those folks in Green Bay have got something going for them. Not the accent. That's just wrong. But, they are as far from the crazies known as Southerners as could be without being Canadian. Which come to think of it, isn't such a bad thing anymore. The joke's on us Americans apparently.

I know that G.W.Bush has ushered in a new era of, as Bill Maher put it, "a promise not to overthink shit," but I mean...come on already. Our president and Congress and certain state governments (which, again, I'm trying to move as far away from as I can) have espoused the notion that it's just as possible, realistically speaking, that God created the universe as the whole Big Bang/Evolution nonsense.

There's the whole post-a-tablet-of-the-Ten-Commandments thing outside of southern courthouses. Which of course leaves one to wonder what to think when looking at said tablet and reading "Thou shalt not worship idols." "That's powerful stupid." Yes, Bill Maher, it is.

There's a, you know, Attorney General who couldn't stand to see liberty's private parts. I'm guessing that's some indication of the whole "the right to privacy lies in the penumbra of rights guaranteed by the Bill of Rights." Again, overthinking shit. I know. I'm sorry G.W.

There's a whole goal to do away with pornography, starting with redefining "I'll know it when I see it" to "shit I wouldn't want people to know I do." Wonderful. I guess the War On Terror didn't poll well enough in the red states. I never thought I'd fight for porn, but, you know...if it pisses off the Religious Wrongs, I'm all about it.

There's the whole WMD, then biological warfare rationales for the war in Iraq. Then the Saddam-Hussein-tortures-people. So we invade using what, I would imagine to a 13-year old with a pistol on a camel, looks like a WMD and torture people until they tell us what we want to hear. Then they die. And we take pictures of it.

And then, I found this article that just topped the sugarless, low-carb, low-calorie cake.

"(Prussian Blue) considered the Olsen Twins of the White Nationalist Movement"

Of course nothing should be surprising anymore. The last election was skinned and stripped and boiled down to two choices.: "Bush doesn't want boys kissing each other" vs "Kerry wants to make all boys kiss each other all the time." Thomas Jefferson, an opponent of boys kissing I would imagine, turned over and spit in his grave. So much for Jefferson's whole: "the purpose of education is to develop citizens who will become responsible voters."

Why would I move from Honolulu to Milwaukee? The Mason-Dixon line is moving farther north and I'm trying to ease my transition to being Canadian.

You speak to people and enjoy free time...

Fortune cookie "fortunes" usually have the creativity and daring of a crushed walnut. Same with internet personality quizzes. But, just for sh-ts and giggles, I did one I found online.

The results may describe every other person with wo intact frontal lobes, but...wow. This one was spot on perfect. Someone find me a boyfriend catalog, cuz I finally know what I want to ord...wait, that sounds like a hook...I mean, escort. Never mind. I have crazy friends.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?