How am I supposed to know what they look like wet?

On Sunday's SportsCenter -- and yes, I do like to watch the occasional SportsCenter -- ESPN featured Dartmouth lacrosse player Andrew Goldstein. ESPN, I guess referencing Outsports.com, claimed that Goldstein was the first, most successful male athlete in a team sport in North America to come out while still competing...in any sport, at any level.

The 8 minute segment was the best feature on a gay sports figure that I've ever come across. I've seen a lot of features, read a lot of books, articles, theses, dissertations and webpages and listened to quite a few out gay athletes speak. I've done most of it trying to nail down a direction for a future thesis: "...and the volleyball was fun too": Communities, histories and the North American Gay Volleyball Association. (and yes...I'm a history nerd...and proud of it) It's been difficult to find material on sexuality and sports in American history.

So far, Dr. Susan Cahn's (SUNY-Buffalo) book, Coming on Strong has been an amazing source of info, but an even greater source of direction into how to incorporate a study of sports history with sexuality and gender while avoiding the need to focus on victimization. I've read so many books and other pieces that just try so damn hard to make the reader cry, or feel some sense of pity or worse yet, guilt. These stories almost always end in: "...and, rising above it all, Joe(anne) Schmo took to the court in spite of the suicide attempts, the millions of sleepless nights, the taunts and jeers from his(her) homophobic teammates, the betrayals, the heartbreak and the true yearning to one day be free." Also, when one piece started with the title "Swing That Purse, Girl" I knew I was probably going to need a cigarette, a hit of crack and a shot of...something that'll knock me on my ass.

So back to the very cute Andrew Goldstein. Maybe it was the fact that ESPN focused on Goldstein's accomplishments, the value he brought to his team. Maybe it was the focus on the team's actual reactions...shock, uncertainty, curiosity, understanding. Maybe it was the acknowledgment that not all athletes in so-called macho sports react in the way gay athletes are made to believe, whether by the gang mentality of straight or gay people, the media, internalized homophobia, etc etc. Maybe it was because ESPN didn't portray Goldstein as the angry activist or the Prozac-popping suicidal depressive. Maybe I'm a sucker for the cliched "and they lived happily ever after" ending.

Whatever the reason, I was finally unbelievably overjoyed to see a feature on a gay athlete that balanced the "gay" and the "athlete" in carefully measured proportions. Yes, he's open about his sexuality, but he's also a heck of an athlete...team MVP as a sophomore, all-conference, all-region, All-American, the first goalie to ever score a goal in an NCAA tournament game. Goldstein talks about wanting to open up to his teammates but feeling a pressure to maintain the balance that led them all to the best season in school history and the first NCAA tournament bid ever for Dartmouth.

I can already hear some people saying something like, "well, why should he ever have to be in the closet anyway?" True. Very true. But, as unfortunate as it may be, reality is reality. No matter what anyone outside the situation says, it's still a matter of choice for the person living it. Do I upset the delicate balance that's led to my team being ranked #1 in the country because I can't talk about my boyfriend? Do I possibly sacrifice the chance at a collegiate national championship because someone said "that's so gay?" It's not internalized homophobia, it's an athlete who's spent his/her blood, sweat and tears to get to the upper echelon of athletics being strategic within the framework that exists. And, it's not like Goldstein waited it out. He told his team after his sophomore season ended. Bravo. Bravo. Bravo.

I think part of what's been gnawing at me about too many of the "gay sports" stories I've encountered, is the anger and the blaming and the need to constantly relive some kind of victimization. It's not that the anger or the blaming or the victimization doesn't exist or shouldn't exist. It does, and that's reality, too. It's perfectly normal and natural to want to get that out. It's one of the things coming out allows.

But, it's still difficult to digest what happened at UWM's Coming Out Week symposium featuring Esera Tuaolo and members of the UWM athletic department. When the floor was opened up, question after question (or more like accusation after accusation) peppered the panel. Why aren't you doing more about homophobia on your teams? What do you mean you haven't heard your athletes saying fag or homo or dyke? Why won't your athletes come to Pridefest? I was seething in the back row. I've hung out with UWM athletes...the supposedly macho, homophobic, hate-crimes-waiting-to-happen guys most of the audience assumed them to be. They're, to a greater extent than any college sports program I've ever spent time with, more open-minded and generally cultured than any of the angry activists sitting in the first row could ever fathom. I've been asked about boyfriends, my comfort level, PC terminology, definitions, opinions, etc etc. And...for the record to the finger-pointing kid in the front row...they don't come to Pridefest for the same reason many gays and lesbians new to Wisconsin or Milwaukee don't go to Pridefest...they don't know anyone and walking around Pridefest alone is a pretty scary thing.

Maybe it took a straight sports reporter to tell the story of a successful gay athlete. Curiosity instead of pride. Perspective instead of anger. The process instead of the roadblocks. The success instead of the sadness.

There's something about an athlete like Goldstein or any number of the gay athletes, All-Americans, national champions, even ex-Olympians who still aren't listed on outsports.com's Big Gay List, that's really inspirational. They're out...to who they want to be. They're successful...with very little trophy-case space. They're humble...to a point. And, most importantly, they're just living their lives how they want to, where they want to and with who they want to. Maybe that's the inspiration.